I abhor crying in public...or crying anywhere outside the sanctity of my home. But, as God breaks down my pride, through the course of current trials, and makes me more His own, it seems that I am not in control...at all...even of my tears.
In the past, the only time you'd see me in tears was if I was ANGRY! And the tears just made me even more furious. Weakness for all to see. Even tears that started out sad tears, if shown in public, made me angry. Weakness for all to see.
It's funny that I don't mind the tears of others...and have encouraged dear friends to cry. And, I do not consider them weak. I understood that in some ways they were brave...braver than me...for being so vulnerable. Yet, the grace I offered them I never offered myself.
I don't cry when I'm supposed to, like when it's safe...like when I fell into the arms of my Mom and we were alone and I could have bawled if I'd wanted to...I didn't...I got a little misty eyed but no overwhelming emotion I couldn't control.
And yet today, I go to the grocery store after putting my kiddos on the bus for school day number one and seriously consider leaving, going home and getting back in bed. Every item, song, thought...made me want to cry. I was barely hanging on to my dignity. And it wasn't about one thing...it was about everything. I prayed I wouldn't run into anyone I knew 'cuz I thought if a friend hugged me I'd just turn into a puddle right then and there. I scuttled home...to listen to music and try to get a grip.
I worry that people will think I'm spiritually weak. Although I fully believe in God's Sovereignty over my life and the life of those I love...sometimes I am overwhelmed. It's not that I don't trust God...I just can't keep on the brave face all the time...and sometimes I feel sad.
This is really the prayer of my heart...this song..."God, You are my God and I will trust in You and not be shaken. Lord of Peace, renew a steadfast spirit within me, to rest in You alone!"
1 comment:
I love the depth of that song - every line rings true.
I think we tend to associate grief just with death, but any loss - even loss of the way things have always been - can be grieved. In my pastor's situation with a terminal cancer diagnosis and only months to live, I think as a whole church we're already grieving - not in the sense of acting like he's gone already, but just so sad for the changes cancer has already made in his body and ministry. God has done some great things in our church through it, but there is still grief. And grief comes out in odd and unexpected ways. After the deaths of each of my parents, I'd be sideswiped sometimes by getting unexpectedly bowled over by some little trigger (seeing Mother's Day stuff in the Hallmark store, seeing something my Dad liked in a store - so often these things happen to me in stores!) or having an urge out of nowhere to call my mom and and then realizing anew that I can't.
So -- yeah, I think it's pretty normal to be overwhelmed with grief sometimes. Even knowing, accepting, and being thankful for God's being in control doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes.
I don't think crying necessarily = weakness, but even if it did, it's in our weakness that His strength is shown.
I know you know all of this, but ti was just on my heart to try to empathize. For the record, I really hate crying around anyone, too.
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