Monday, November 9, 2009

Paranoid Conviction...

I've always been a paranoid sort of person. I was a goodie goodie in school...and yet...if the teacher made one of those globalizing speeches about proper behavior...I was devastated. I was just sure...that somehow...they were talking about me.

I'm the friend that will straight up come and ask you out of the clear blue sky if you are upset with me. So beware if you don't talk to me for a while...I might just ask. I don't want anyone upset with me. Chances are by the time I ask...I've figured out some way that they could be upset!
This paranoia strikes at church too. Lately, ALOT...and yesterday the sermon was about the tongue. I almost groaned OUT LOUD when pastor started on the topic. He covered it all too...Gossip, talking too much, not thinking before you speak. stung...and it should have. I'm guilty in all of those's something I need to work on. Like he said at the end (referring to James' analogy of the tongue being like the ship's rudder). If you are in Christ you don't just let the ship go wildly instead GRAB the WHEEL...and learn to control it! So, is what I call paranoia...really conviction? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
I looked up the definition of paranoia. I was surprised by what I found...Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them."

Ah, there's the truth. I want to be paranoid...cuz that's better than dealing with what makes me paranoid. I don't trust the motives of my teachers, friends, and er, pastor. I'm not trusting God either...ouch.

AND there's a reason for's easier...although uncomfortable. Treating it as conviction...and getting it RIGHT...means addressing the SIN in my life. It means trusting God's leading through my friends, pastor and teachers...that if it touches my heart (cutting me to the core) that I need to be sensitive and examine myself. I need to change what needs to be changed.

Allowing myself to remain paranoid is allowing Satan to have a foothold in my heart. It allows me to grow bitter with those I assume are out to get me. It allows me to think ludicrous thoughts some that I thought yesterday like "they could have just come and told me that they had a problem with me" or "can't he preach about so and so's problems?" They are lies of the Devil and he is the Father of Lies...he's really, really good at it! I refuse to let him in...I want to fix what needs hear instead my Lord encouraging me to do what is show that I'm a new depend on His daily sufficient grace.

So, now...I'm pasting to my forehead...



Jenny said...

This was wonderful Bobbi - thanks for always being open and honest and speaking from your heart. The message was a conviction for me too, and as soon as he started I thought oh, no, not this. Wonderful scripture and reminders and love the Think Twice!!

crittyjoy said...

This really hits home for me. I too am often paranoid because of a lack of trust in many areas.

Thanks for sharing.

Amydeanne said...

oh yea! I can so relate to this post! I was a "goodie goodie" too lol.

and hey, glad you got the book! You'll love it!! :)