Monday, April 18, 2011

Loverbrains, my hero!

One of the many dis-services women's liberation has given christian women is to make their need for a hero husband obsolete.  I'm strong and intelligent and I don't need my husband for anything.  With this attitude comes a certain level of disrespect and lack of submission.  Nothing kills my husband's valor like a swift kick to his respect. 

And, it's a mixed message.  I want him to see me as this strong and independent person but at the same time I want him to always be available to do what I want, when I want it;  Like he's my slave or something.  Like he doesn't have his own very demanding job.  And, Oui, if he suggests that his job is more stressful than mine...lookout...may the laundry list of past grievances and turmoil flow.

I say all this to be funny...but it's not...and I wasn't.  I was making everyone miserable...and putting my marriage and children in a dangerous environment.  Our pastor split open Ephesians 4:32 for us...and my heart was really broken.  "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. "  

So, I started with being kind. I suggest starting one day at a time...and determine not to say anything negative or unkind about your husband or to your husband.  If nothing else this will really humble you.  When I was in this cycle of bitterness and selfishness I was FAR from being kind.  This exercise helped me recognize this, repent of it, and seek ways to show kindness again.  My Hero valiantly stepped up to the plate.  When I was lady-like and kind, he became full of chivalry and kindness himself.  Go figure, eh?

Next, I worked on tender-hearted.  Of all of these...this was probably the hardest for me.  Independent, strong women do NOT like to be vulnerable ya'll.  It's uncomfortable and scary.  I can truly say that God is faithful and protected my heart when I put it out.  This really showed my Loverbrains that I was genuine in my desires for change.  It helped him to trust me, talk with me, and be vulnerable in return.  It gave him some Hero back...because after all, he is the God given head of this home.  Seeing and understanding my, the weaker vessel...allowed him to champion my days.  Knowing my struggles helped him lead our family spiritually.  None of this would have happened if I hadn't repented of my hardened heart and allowed God to tenderize it. Remember how meat is tenderized?  Bang, bang, bang...some of us are pretty tough chickens.  But, the end result tastes much better.

Amid the process of tenderizing...forgiveness was a rather natural step.  It's hard to become truly tender-hearted when you are holding on to the bitterness of un-forgiveness.  And, it's not JUST simple forgiveness.  Christ forgives completely.  Psalm 103:12, "As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us." Real forgiveness prepared us for any subsiquent disagreements.  I noticed this recently.  If I don't bring up past junk and bitterness when we fight (yes, we still do occasionally)...We are both more tender to the current situation, how to fix it, how to make it better.  Incidentally, my hero hates conflict.  He's a quiet and thoughtful man...married to a hot-headed, LOUD woman.  I can see him as my quiet, peace-making hero now.  I used to see him as weak...but God has changed my view...and I can respect him as my leader and lover.  That's a supernatural change, ya'll.  There's no other answer for it.  

Chrysalis is bringing Hero Husband back today on Marriage Monday...


Joyce said...

This was a great post...yesterday our pastor talked about loving as Christ loves, even and maybe especially in a marriage. We sometimes dole that love out on perfect strangers but find it hard to muster it up for our spouse.

Have a nice week!

Lisa notes... said...

God gives us spouses not only to love them, but also to show us how we need to be transformed ourselves. I relate to many of the things you're saying, including this:

"Nothing kills my husband's valor like a swift kick to his respect."


Great words, Bobbi.

Lisa Maria said...

This post really spoke to my own heart. I thank God that I am no longer that critical, unkind person that I used to be. I judged my husband and allowed bitter, resentful thoughts to fill my mind whenever he disappointed my expectations of him. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way.. you do have to be the change you want to see.

Great post!

Barbara H. said...

I appreciated this. I have had to learn -- and am still learning -- much of this as well.


I am happy that my husband is my hero and our daughters' hero, too.


Tami Boesiger said...

When I was lady-like and kind, he became full of chivalry and kindness himself.

Our attitude encourages more than we know. I agree it is possible to be strong and independent woman, yet reliant on our husbands. It may be harder, but it's totally doable.

e-Mom said...

W00t! W00t! Standing up and applauding. Bobbi, if you can hang on to these words of yours--this very post--for the rest of your married lives, you will succeed royally! You've GOT it, girl.

We women play an enormous role in encouraging our husband's leadership, the very thing we crave. Our kindness and forgiveness goes such a long way, and helps them to feel accepted warts and all. When they know we're on their team, no matter what, then they begin to shine. God's plan is Purrrfect, eh?

Thanks for joining us for Marriage Monday today.

((Hugs)) e-Mom ღ

Cheri Gregory said...

Bobbi --

"I can see him as my quiet, peace-making hero now. I used to see him as weak...but God has changed my view...and I can respect him as my leader and lover. That's a supernatural change, ya'll. There's no other answer for it."

This really hit home -- I've had numerous (much-needed!) heart changes in our 22+ years of marriage, and each one was/his a miracle...a change of heart always is!

Be kind...tender-hearted...forgiving -- I need to put this verse up on my mirror and tape Post-It notes to all my computer screens!

Christine said...

"Our pastor split open Ephesians 4:32 for us...and my heart was really broken."

I love this image of splitting open, and heart breaking, with the verse. That is exactly how it feels sometimes when we are convicted of our sin! Been there!

I have had similar experiences with letting go of false power and seeing my husband become the hero he was meant to be. Great post!!