I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. ~Oscar Wilde
Right about the time I thought this blog was a little anonymous blip on the radar of no one in particular...my stats indicate many page views and my few and faithful (while still few and faithful) tripled. Yes, 25 is tripled.
And sadly...while saying it wouldn't change me...my pride instantly inflated. I told myself that I needed to post (cuz my public awaits ya know!?)...and I need to link up with various memes of note. Incidentally, I noticed I have an intense loyalty to various memes and trying out new ones felt like I was cheating...and not linking up felt like I was going to hurt someone's feelings...and bottom line...I felt like the blog was running my life.
And then life sort of hit the fan...not the greatest picture I realize but I'm being REAL today so like it or lump it. Anyhew, I decided to review books...for fun...for free books. I mean, it seemed like the perfect match for a happy blogging Mome...a bookworm...wanting more blog traffic, etc. Until I read my first book...a book I chose because I thought I'd like it, but I didn't...and I wasn't kind enough...and I worry I hurt the author's feelings...and I'm getting random, anonymous comments from snarky people.
Another incidentally...all future snarky anonymous comments will be deleted from my blog. I am willing to carry on conversations with people who disagree with my views...but if you're going to be mean anonymously...you will not be getting air time here, folks.
But let's face it for what it was...PRIDE...she reared her fuzzy head...and I was sucked in. I was suddenly caring more about traffic and linking up...and I didn't take the time to consider my words and everyone's feelings...or where my time should go...and I forgot the verse I chose for my header years ago...
2 Cor. 5:9, "Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."
And that perhaps is the most crushing to me of anything else. I have asked for God's forgiveness...because what saddens me most (and I hope it continually crushes me)...is that I forgot to make my first ambition on this blog to be pleasing HIM!
THAT will continue to be the cathartic outpouring of this blogger's heart...whether I have 0, 25, or thousands of readers...
Peace, Bobbi
3 comments:
I appreciate you being real. :-) I think many of us go through cycles like that. I'm prone to pride as well (even when it is over and above obvious that "I" have nothing to be proud about! Not that I ever do, but you know what I mean) and need frequent talks with myself and reminders from Scripture to get the right perspective. I don't know how "big-name" Christians live in the public eye unless it is just a constant battle to remind themselves that anything accomplished is of the Lord.
My MIL once said that she had such a tendency to pride that she didn't serve in any way that was public any more. I understand that, but I don't know that that's the right answer. I think we just keep serving and keep asking the Lord to make us humble.
I reviewed books for a very brief time for a Christian publishing company -- who could pass up free books?! But I was so disappointed in the books I received, plus there was additional pressure knowing the publisher and maybe the author would be reading. That's always a possibility anyway -- I've only had one negative response from an author. I stopped reviewing for that particular company but accepted one recently from an independent company that I just reviewed today. I regretted agreeing to review it about two pages into it. :-(
I so hear you -- the pride thing is so, so hard. I have had to recommit my blog to God like a thousand times. I have specifically prayed that I would not be swayed by the number of followers, or the number of comments, but that I would be wooed and swayed by Him, and Him alone.
I know EXACTLY what you mean--'cause I'm always struggling myself to keep blogging in its place. It's so easy to let blogging go to your head (even when there really isn't THAT much to be proud of)--and so easy to let blogging take over your life and become a burden rather than a blessing.
I've been reveling in "holding it with a loose hand" this past week--not stressing too much about posting or reading, letting myself turn off the computer and just snuggle in bed with a book... Basically just denying blogging permission to run my life!
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